The Day I Tried To Live

I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head
It said seize the day, pull the trigger
Drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads

-Soundgarden

It's Monday. God, i hate Mondays. I so hate Monday mornings. I hate waking up early and trying to convince my muscles to start moving. For more than a year now, i've been waking up Monday to Friday finding myself alone. My mom leaves home at 4 o'clock for work. I'd be lucky enough if my sister comes home the night before, that means her doing all the chores that morning and me extending some precious minutes of sleep and snores. But that rarely happens.

But today was different, i woke up early from the usual. The first alarm of my phone woke me up, no more 5-minute snooze alarms, no extended sleep, no more where-was-i-in-my-dreams. I hurriedly fixed my beddings and headed to the restroom. And the restroom ritual didn't take that long either. I did the usual chores PLUS, i prepared for myself some breakfast. Yeah, breakfast, the word that wasn't in my vocabulary since college days. And a real breaksfast - fried fish, sunny side ups, rice and a glass of juice (don't ask why). Breakfast like this happens only once in ages. I also wore some formal shoes today. I prefered to wear brown slip-on than the usual sneakers.

What's up with me today? I don't know. I just felt different. Was it because of the long week i had? I had a busy week. Worked all weekdays and was deprived of my Saturday 'coz I have to proctor this scholarship exam. And Sunday, it was Jae's birthday. No big celebration but just a typcal Sunday Mass and lunch. Or was it from the argument that erupted later that Sunday? Maybe. I hate arguing. I hate pointing fingers. I always end up being the bad guy, the antagonist, the villain who dies at the end of the movie the hard way or the goon who drops dead at a single punch of the main character, the one who ends up beaten. And arguing with the female race are worse. It's like going to a battle. If you're not equipped with the right ammunitions and stuff, you're dead meat. I once scribble on my notebook way back in college, "If understanding Ladies were subjects to be taken in college, all Men would fail." Ladies 101, i think. If it would be an elective, it would be an all girls class. Tsktsk. Poor guys.

When i got to the office, i turned off the main lights and kept the small downlights on. Pa-gloomy effect. I wasn't feeling good, but sick. I wasn't sleepy at all having only 4 hours of sleep. I slept late thinking about a lot of things. I was hurt, i'm sure of that. The tune of the my officemate's slow acoustic music made me want to cry. But i don't know what to cry for. Was it because somebody just cursed me? Was it because somebody didn't care for me? Or was it because once of these days, one person will have to let go? I don't know. I just feel f*cked up. My ego hurts. My brain cells are frozen. I haven't checked my blog yet, haven't checked my mailbox, haven't logged in to my YM. I just want to write down something, hoping everything will be ok. **sniff sniff**

I'll be on travel tomorrow and Wednesday. Just in time for some soul-searching and sight-seeing. When i get back, i hope to replace this post with something nice. Not some crappy, on-the-spot written post. I'm gonna miss everybody. I'm gonna miss those who cursed me. I'm gonna miss the chatbox. It's still 10am, i guess i'll just have to live this boring Monday.

Remember to breathe.

huhumms: "Collide" by Howie Day
feeling: 50% lonely, 25% numb, 25% teary-eyed, f*cked up